MAY 22, 2020
Remember when the Russians were coming? It seems
like just last week Vladimir Putin was whistling the Soviet National Anthem
just around every corner of the main street. After the colossal clusterfuck of
Hillary 2016, you couldn’t swing a dead cat in a newsroom without hitting
another crafty Kremlin conspiracy. Those shifty almond-eyed bastards were the
secret sauce behind everything that gave neoliberals heartburn; MAGA, Black
Lives Matter, Wikileaks, Bernie Bros, Jill Stein, Sasquatch, Tulsi Gabbard,
Colin Kaepernick, the female orgasm. They were behind it all! Putin was
everywhere, like Elvis Presley in a Mojo Nixon song, and he was always up to
something new, some dastardly new conspiracy to corrupt the precious bodily
fluids that only Rachel Maddow and six permanently anonymous intelligence
experts could save us from. Donald Trump was constantly on the brink of
impeachment for pissing on a Russian prostitute dressed as Abe Lincoln and
wrapped in the Constitution or some such noise. It made sense at the moment, I
swear it did! It was a new day in Imperial America, a whole new Cold War was
upon us, and Adam Schiff would lead us to the promised land like a liberal Joe
McCarthy on a gallant white steed.
Now, Russiagate just feels so
two-thousand-and-late. Schiff has been outed by his own lazy paperwork as a
libelous scumfuck just a few lies and a sex crime short of the Donald himself,
and Rachel Maddow’s soaring calls to action against the Kremlin menace have
taken on the sea-sick patina of Alex Jones in a sporty pantsuit. Even the
devil himself, Vladimir Putin doesn’t seem so scary anymore. So he declares
himself president-for-life and has a few more American sponsored journalists
tossed in the dreaded Lubyanka, what else is on? The New Cold War is old news.
In post-COVID America, the New New Cold War is where it’s at. Who needs those
vodka-soaked Russkies when you have the Chinese! (Gong bangs in the background) A
super sneaky, disease spewing people who’re currency is actually worth more than
double-ply toilet paper, which is worth slightly more than the Dollar. Donald
Trump and Mike Pompeo have hit the ground spewing with a torrential cavalcade
of convoluted race-baiting accusations and innuendo about China’s devilish
double-dealings, from the bat labs of Wuhan to the rocks of South China
Sea, and Joe Biden and the New York Times aren’t far behind them. Rather than
taking the high road for once and denying this bullshit as an excuse for Trump
to cover his orange ass on his derelict response to Covid-19, old grabby Joe
has taken his usual route, bashing Trump in swing state commercials for not
being stupid enough on China. Joe, they promise, could be way more stupid, and
somehow, I don’t doubt that for a second.
But as a post-tankie war nerd, I’m left scratching
my head. Those cretins in the deep state put so much elbow grease into creating
a narrative that the Soviet Union was rising from the grave like a red star
bedazzled Babadook that they were willing to impeach one of their own just
because he suggested that Vladimir Putin might not be the next Hitler. But now
their willingness to just roll over and let Trump have his new bone. I’d say we’re
probably just about thirty days from Tucker Carlson giving John Brennan a
hummer on live television while he belches about Chinese hackers and our
God-given right to protect the freedom of other people’s seas. As best as I can
explain the meticulous madness of these fucking vultures, I would suggest that
my dearest motherfuckers take a closer look at the original Cold War, and you’ll
find that not much has really changed at all. The scapegoats have shifted but
the target remains the same.
Contrary to the Marvel sponsored Captain America
mythology of the Evil Empire, the Old Cold War was never about the godless
evils of communism. It didn’t even really have that much to do with Russian
influence, at least not empirically. Russia has always been a crafty but
rickety excuse for a superpower. Truth be told, our countries own propaganda is
really the only reason half the world took that tin-plated petrol state
seriously, to begin with. The true target always was and always will be that
geostrategic phantom known as Eurasia. If you want to know what really keeps
neocons and their neoliberal siblings up at night, it’s the indisputable fact that
a united Eurasian economy that brings together the collective power of Europe
and the Orient would crush the Dollar like the toilet paper tiger it is and
bury the American Century in its own dust. The moment the Eurozone can get NATO
off its ass and realize that the future rises from the east is the moment the
American imperial dream dies a rather quick and anti-climactic death.
Russia has long been the target of choice for the
simple reason that it’s the weakest link in the chain. The motherland is the
land bridge that brings two continents together, and with the advent of the
October Uprising in 1917, America has gift-wrapped a perfect theater for
instability. The real Cold War began before the First World War had even ended,
when the US and it’s sundry allies sent fresh bodies from the trenches to help
the Czar’s death squads traumatize the newly Soviet countryside with the White
Terror, and that terror never stopped. I was done with those dastardly
Bolsheviks the day I read about Kronstadt, but god only knows what kind of
republican experiment Lenin and his boys might have cooked up if their new
nation hadn’t been born in a bathtub of blood. The Russian people likely never
would have welcomed another Czar in the form of Stalin, or Putin for that matter,
if they weren’t so damn shell-shocked by American sponsored savagery that they
were desperate for any iron man with a Slavic name to save them.
Russia was the perfect enemy because they projected
that air of Orthodox stoicism, even while they were crippled and hemorrhaging.
But China has always been the true target, the massive competition for Europe’s
hand in imperial matrimony. With the worth of Russia’s only cash cow, petrol,
spiraling and a new depression exploding from the economic bubble that the Coronavirus
burst, America has quite simply run out of time to scapegoat anything but the
real deal. Steve Bannon knows it, and his imperial wonk nemesis Bill Kristol
knows it too. Evil or not, those twisted fuckers know a thing or two about the
deep state’s long game and the long game is either China goes down or America
excepts its Karmic fate as their debt-ridden bitch. Either way, why should an
anti-imperialist anarchist like me give a shit? They are all bloodthirsty statist
scum after all.
Well, I’ll tell you why. For two reasons. The first
is the simple fact that I am an American and I feel it is my divine duty as an
anti-authoritarian pissant to piss off and smash the authority I live beneath.
I’ll leave China to those cyber-punks in Hong Kong or some genderfuck Uighur
with a decidedly Oriental manifesto in her burka. That’s not my lane. The
second reason is the basic strategic fact that as fucked up and debt-ridden as
it is, America is still the world’s only truly unipolar superpower. China may
look scary from a distance but as I pointed out above, they are a huge country
that can barely handle keeping their own police state from falling to shambles
beneath their own weight. China’s best hope for dominance rests in partnership
above the competition. A Eurasian Century would be multipolar by nature and any
anarchist worth a shit can tell you, Balkanize and conquer is where it’s at.
To meet the New New Cold War, dearest
motherfuckers, same as the Old New Cold War. Call me a contrarian cunt, but
I’ll be agitating for America’s demise in any damn cold war. That’s what I do.
Now bring me, Tucker Carlson. I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to work those
tranny-bashing kidneys for long enough.
Nicky Reid is an agoraphobic anarcho-genderqueer gonzo
blogger from Central Pennsylvania and assistant editor for Attack the System. You can find her online at Exile in Happy Valley.
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